The Alpha Course

I was born in Brighton. I had a good upbringing but not particularly religious.

My mother was Jewish and my father was Scottish Presbyterian. My mum and dad married in the late 50s, and my father’s father was a fascist who hated my mother.  My Jewish grandfather said he disowned my mother and ripped his shirt as they do and said, ‘You’re no longer a child of mine’. 

So when they got together it was quite difficult, but my dad insisted that we learn the basics of the Jewish religion, so things like Passover, Hanukkah, Yom Kippur. Ultimately it ended up with my father being accepted completely by my Jewish family, but my other grandfather never really liked my mother because of who she was.

Rebel

As a young boy I was very rebellious. I was incredibly bad at school. I was suspended but saved from being expelled by my drama teacher. She was in the staff room and they said, ‘Brown’s being expelled this afternoon’, so she ran to the headmaster and said ‘Please, I beg you to let him stay because I think drama may save his life, I think that will be his career’. When I left on the last day I was brought into his study with my friend, and he said, ‘You two are the most hated pupils this school has ever had. Not because you’re not intelligent, but because you disrupt every single class you’re in’.

I did it because I was bored, I hated school, I liked football and then I liked drama and I didn’t like anything else.

At sixteen I went to Tech College and did drama, they allowed me on the course because, even though my exams were so bad, they said because of my practical level, they allowed me on.  I still misbehaved for two years.

Drama School

I remember once hiding in the ceiling and jumping out halfway through a lesson with a friend. I was quite uncontrollable. I then got into drama school – Guildford School of Acting and did that from 18 to 21.

At the end of my first year, they took me aside and said, ‘We think you’re incredibly talented, but we don’t know how to control you’. 

My parents were really strict, to be honest, and I didn’t misbehave at home particularly, but I really misbehaved outside, everywhere else. Then my dad died of cancer in my third year at drama school and that, I grew up immediately.

I’d been going with a friend of mine who is a Christian, to church, while Dad was dying. I remember looking at the vicar shaking his hand, he didn’t look me in the eye and I knew that he knew that my dad was dying and I thought this isn’t the place for me, I didn’t believe it at all.

I used to hitch lifts from Guildford to Worthing and after Dad died a lady picked me up one day and she mentioned she was a Christian and she said, ‘Was your father a Christian?’ and I said, ‘Well, he was Scottish Presbyterian, but he wasn’t practising’ and she said, ‘Well, he’ll go to hell then’.

She took me back to her house and gave me a New Testament and told me to read John, which I never did.

That was my last experience, when I was about 21. Since then Christianity was just a subject that I wasn’t prepared to discuss.

I thought it was just bonkers, just nonsense, you know.

Life as an actor

After drama school I worked as an actor for 15 years.

Television wise, I was in The Bill three times, I was in EastEnders, Between the Lines, that was a big successful series in the 90s, but theatre was my main thing and I worked in the West End. I worked two seasons at Chichester, and at the National Theatre.  I worked with the director Sam Mendes three times and in the theatre I had some fantastic roles opposite very famous people, but on television, less so.

I was told various times in my career I was going to be a star. So I was aware when things might have happened and they didn’t. So eventually I stopped acting and I became an assistant to an agent who was huge in the West End and looked after lots of international stars.

Becoming a theatrical agent

I went to this agency, called Ken McCredie. I spoke to Hollywood most afternoons and I learnt how it worked, and then after a year and a half I moved onto another agent and became a junior agent for three years. 

I then set up my own business for four years, during that time I got married and divorced, which was an enormous strain on the business and I nearly gave up. Then a big company came in called International Artists and I thought that would be good for me. I did that for four very happy years, and now I’ve gone out again on my own with an agent called Michelle Milburn so the two of us now have our own agency and I have to say it’s very successful.

During that time with the ups and downs I never looked for God or went to church.

And then about four years ago, a friend of mine, Natasha Alderslade who goes to HTB, talked about Alpha and in no uncertain terms, I told her what I thought of God. I used to call him names that I couldn’t dream of calling him now and thought it was all complete and utter stupidity and nonsense and there’s no proof.

Agnostic

I wasn’t an atheist - I could never understand anyone being an atheist, I thought the logical thing to be was to be agnostic, to say that you can’t prove either way, and even as a Christian, you can’t prove there’s God, you can believe there’s God, but I don’t believe you can prove there’s God.

When Natasha asked me to Alpha it was always humorously done, we’re great friends and so there was a lot of humour, there was a lot of Mickey taking. I look back now and I realise how amazingly strong she was and how kind she was towards me through it.

In the end I agreed to go to Alpha out of curiosity, Natasha said, ‘You like a good argument, why don’t you come along?’ and in the end I decided I would give it a go.

I was on holiday for the first week in September 2011 so I went to the second week. When I got there, I’d never seen so many happy faces, which made me miserable and irritated immediately.  And I stood there with my arms folded. Natasha said you could see steam coming out of my ears.

I met one of the curates, Toby Flint who was then and still is, I think, an amazing man, and he was very calm with me. I wanted to walk out, but I decided to stick it out.

Nothing like I imagined

Alpha was nothing like I imagined, I didn’t even realise HTB was in a church, I just thought it was a venue, I didn’t realise it was an actual working church, because I’d done no research at all about HTB or Alpha, so I just literally turned up.

All the speeches that I heard, I thought all of them were wonderful to a greater or lesser degree. They were all thought provoking, that part of the evening I particularly liked. 

I decided at the end of the second week, we’d had a very strong discussion and I stopped the group halfway through and I just said I needed everyone to stop talking about this. I said to Nicky, ‘I’m not here to listen to other people and their views, I can go down the pub, I’ve done that for 30 years, I want to know some answers and you’re the one who seems to know all the answers, I want some answers from you’. 

Questions

My questions were who is God? Why did he make us the way we are?  Why did he give us free choice, if he did give us free choice? All the usual, why do we get cancer?  Why do we have earthquakes? Why do babies die?  If he knew, it was all preordained. 

My questions weren’t answered at the time, but again, looking back I realised how incredible Nicky and Pippa and Caroline and Toby were with me and I realised at the end of it the only way that I was going to get some answers was if I started reading the Bible.  I thought it was no good me coming up with questions and cliché questions without knowing the other side, so I started reading the Bible as furiously as I could, as quickly as I could. 

I had real ups and downs with it and moments when I thought it’s absolute nonsense, but also there are incredible passages that were beautiful, inspiring, loving and gradually I got into it.

I can’t remember exactly which week it was, but I said to Nicky after everyone had gone one night, I said, ‘I’ve prayed’ and he said, ‘I know you have …’ and he said, ‘… there’s a massive change in you’.  And I knew there was a change in me, I didn’t know how, I didn’t know why, but I knew there was a change, and I got a bit tearful and then he talked about that the Holy Spirit had entered me and as I looked at him thinking, you’re now saying mad things to me, I walked to the South Kensington tube and I’ve never done this before, I laughed all the way, I literally couldn’t stop laughing.  And I’ve felt like that ever since, I’ve felt so happy and I had a real sense of joy beyond just happiness, beyond just momentary happiness, I have a real sense of joy in my life now.

Holy Spirit

On the weekend away when we asked for the Holy Spirit to come, it didn’t happen for me and I stood there and I thought, come on, come on, and I felt nothing.  I was warned you’re not meant to feel anything, you are just inviting the Holy Spirit in, but of course it’s me and I want bells and whistles and I want angels coming down saying ‘Welcome aboard’ and none of that was happening.  So then there’s a bit of praying together and I thought, I can’t do this anymore, so I went up to my room and I spoke to God and I said, ‘I don’t believe you, but I have opened the door, I have asked you to enter and you simply haven’t entered and I can’t believe you, you have to show me a sign’. 

Nothing happened for about 20 minutes and then I put the football on, England were playing Spain, and I thought I’ll watch this and tomorrow morning I’ll pack my bags and I’ll go. Then there was a knock at the door and Nicky was there. He said, ‘Can I come in?’ and I said, ‘Yes’, he said, ‘Can I pray with you?’ and I said, ‘Do what you like, it’s all over’, but we sat there and then he talked to me and then I burst into tears and it got very emotional and then we prayed and he said, ‘Do you want to renounce sin and do you want Jesus in your life?’ and I felt at that moment I would, so I gave it a go.

I woke up the next morning and I felt nothing again, so I went down to our group and I told everyone it was over and nothing had happened it was finished and I didn’t feel anything that anyone had talked about. I look back now and we became very close in a group indeed and the support from members within the group were quite amazing.  Anyway, I said, ‘Thanks very much, but no, not for me.’

Then Nicky spoke and as an ex-actor, I’ve heard Shakespeare, I’ve heard Winston Churchill, but I’d never heard anyone speak like Nicky, it was the greatest speech, the greatest thing I’d ever heard in my life and I knew at the end of it that I was a Christian.

He talked about how the Holy Spirit had entered us, he talked about what happens to Christians, but the way he spoke about it, I knew at that moment I’d become a Christian and I prayed with other people in the group.

So then, ever since that moment I’ve carried on. I carried on reading the Bible, I went to the 7 o’clock service at HTB the week after with Toby and gradually started to understand what being a Christian meant, still reading the Bible. 

I used to think the music at Alpha was awful when I heard it, now I really love the music, but I still think it’s soft rock 'pap' from America. It is that sort of music, but when I hear certain tunes now that I know, I find them very emotional. I now understand the words in a way that I didn’t appreciate before, so it actually means something to me when I’m singing.

I think someone who’s worried about becoming a Christian and what HTB do, I can say that they just left me alone. I was thinking, well come on, come on, someone ring me and say ‘You’re welcome and why don’t you come …’ there was nothing at all, it was really up to me to find out if I wanted to carry on.  I look back now and of course I know that’s the right way and it’s for me to discover, but anyone who has any fears about do they come stalking, they really don’t.

So I kept going to church and then I was asked to do my testimony and I had thoughts about getting baptised, I’d heard there was a baptism in January, I thought about it a lot and then when I got there, one of the girls said she was going to be baptised and I thought, I’m going to do it. 

I wasn’t going to invite any friends, I told my group leaders there was no point asking any of my friends, none of them are Christian and they would all find it a bit too much and so I decided not to and then Caroline one of the leaders really kindly told our Alpha group, so then she said, ‘Well some people are coming already, Malcolm’ and then I thought I would ask one, two and in the end I had 30 people.

I know that I’ve got real joy now, I know I’ve got a love for Jesus. I’ve got love for people just seeing people in the street. Sometimes you see someone and you think, oh they’ve just spat in the street or done something horrible, instead in the past I’d get really angry. I find people keep smiling at me, it’s weird, today, three people smiled at me on the tube and I thought, what’s going on?  I don’t know if I’ve got a grin on my face or I just look a bit strange, but I react differently to people now. 

I’m really patient, I’m trying to be as generous as possible. If you see someone in the street, if I see a tramp, I say ‘Hello’ it’s only a little thing at the moment. I’m a helper now on the next Alpha Course, I’m going to church on a Sunday, I’m doing a theology course on a Saturday morning.  And as an actors’ agent, I’m out every night of the week as well as working every day, so it’s really hard to fit everything in.

I think I wouldn’t be where I am now if I hadn’t read the Bible and I read a very simple version, I had a Gideon’s Bible given to me at 13 that I never opened.  

Chippy from Nazareth

Before I did Alpha Jesus was a chippy from Nazareth who was quite clever, being brought up Jewish and Christian, I was aware of both sides, but I’d always thought that he was supposedly the son of God.  As I got older, I knew that he was another prophet, he certainly wasn’t the son of God, because I didn’t believe in God really, so he couldn’t be, but he was a clever guy.

He was no different from Mohammed or Mahatma Ghandi or anyone else, and obviously was a kind guy.  I also realised that it’s very easy to have a perception of Jesus and the Bible from  bits and bobs being read out on Songs of Praise or over Christmas, or whatever it might be, and you think you know the Bible and you really, really don’t, and I certainly didn’t know who Jesus was in the way I know now.

Jesus to me now is the son of God coming down in man form so we could understand who he is, the most incredible human that’s ever lived. I realise that as I pray every day I’m finding it easier and easier to realise how many sins I have and how imperfect I am but I’m not worrying anymore about trying to live up to his standards, what I am trying to do is every day improve myself and reflect his glory.

Before Alpha I would pray in the sense that everyone prays - I hope Chelsea wins the FA Cup, I hope this, I hope that, so it was a hope rather than a prayer.  Occasionally, I would pray the odd prayer, you know, ‘If you really are around, save my dad from cancer’ and he didn’t, so obviously he wasn’t there, in my head then.  Now I pray most mornings on the way to work and I pray at night, sometimes I’m too tired, but I find that I’m talking to him all day and I don’t know if that’s prayer, but I know that I will be chatting away to him.

I’ve found myself gradually changing and finding myself just talking to him more and more as I talk to a friend, and knowing that I can be as humble as I want or as, whatever I want, he knows what I’m doing anyway, so I might as well just be myself.

Before Alpha I’d read tiny, tiny bits of the Bible now and again I suppose or when I was an actor, but it certainly didn’t mean anything to me. Now I’ve read the Gideon’s New Testament and I’m reading The Message for the Old Testament, just because I want to get through it quickly and the Message is brilliant, and then I’d like to then look at the King James.  Having read a lot of Shakespeare, I know I’ll be fine with it.

I think the best thing Nicky’s said to me is that we have two choices, we can walk with Jesus or walk without him and he knows which version he’d prefer.  And having walked without Jesus and now walking with him, I love what’s happened to my life.